See I have a lot of subconscious stuff going on that obviously I�m not aware of because it�s subconscious. This can lead to big issues. Bursting into tears suddenly, yelling at people for no reason, anxiety and insomnia.

On Wednesday my subconscious went, �Hey you, guess what, I�m gonna dump all over you today and all that stuff that you didn�t know you were worried about is all gonna come out all at once. It�s party time�

I had a panic attack. My subconscious sucks.

I have never had a panic attack before and had absolutely no idea what one entailed. I�m assuming it is slightly different for everyone, although I am assuming the hyperventilating is the same for everyone.

I was crying violently, hyperventilating, my entire body had gone numb, I felt like my skull was being crushed in and I kept staring at my hands which had assumed what I can only describe as the �Barbie position� and I couldn�t move my fingers or grip anything. Not the best timing as I was driving at the time. Luckily I�d pulled over before the head, hand and numbness took over.

My Dad had called the house to get to me to come and pick him up because he�d had a �mechanical issue� with his bike. This is Dad talk for �came a croppa� as he doesn�t want Mum to worry. I had had maybe tow hours sleep at this point. So I headed out to go pick him up and I couldn�t find him. He called me why I was driving there and told me he�d fallen off his bike so I was pretty darn worried. Then I drove around for half an hour before I realised that I was on the wrong road and eventually found them.

Then...panic attack.

I then got home (Dad suggested a stiff brandy and I really considered it until I remember self imposed no alcohol rule) and went straight to bed. I spent the rest of the day either asleep or crying on and off.

But then the day brighten up when I went to see Katze in the afternoon as she�d arrived home from her [almost] year in Canada. Yay!

Haven�t had an incidents since and actually managed to have the best sleep that night that I�ve had in months.

I actually think my sleeping problem comes from being worried that I won�t be able to sleep.

Geez my brain pisses me off sometimes

Tyd

1 February 2005 - 8:58 am

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